Sun has gone black in United States of America and moon has gone black in Tehran.

[both sides are captured by darkness]

No one can look back on her school days and say with truth that they were altogether melancholic. I have perfect memories of my writing class among a horde of icky ones. I closed my eyes today, and I’m not going to open them for hours, probably till the next morning. I hear the music casting is in the air, it’s coming from the air conditionair behind my head. Recently, I conducted a sort of hopeless love affair with stars* and the only remaining  kiosk along the boardwalk in Venice Beach. There was the joy of watching late just watching, somewhat staring on summer’s nights and getting in an hour’s undisturbed drawings. Unexpectedly all my imaginations got destroyed by a blue and red rocket, since then I take sleeping pills every night. As a child, the things I most wanted to do were always unattainable. I had learned early in my life: I have the skill to let go.

[my room is captured by magic]

I see even with closed eyes.

6 weeks ago

“Let’s face it. We’re undone by each other.” Let’s practice to not play a role of a victim. For too much pain that I had inside I knew that I was missing something. Gynecologist such a hard word for my Iranian accent to pronounce, She said the embryo is dead.  There’s no hope,only one way, to take it out: D N C.

Let’s practice to not play fragile as a woman! Let’s celebrtae the emptiness of 3000 years in gold & marble! Let’s celebrate misogyny! Let’s celebrate Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles 3 million time.

For what you eat and wear from this world,
You have vindication, if you try to gain it.
The rest all cost nothing even for free, Be aware,                                                                         Not to sell your precious life for that                                                                                                  ” Khayyám”

Today is a very sad day for United States of America and for immigrants like myself, who immigrated for hope. We became refugees to this country in order to settle, study and then to take-up employment. Trump’s travel ban generally prohibited or severely restricted immigration from countries suffering tyranny. If people with authoritarian leaders are banned from entering this country, then what makes America great again?! In fact, people from those countries, who were banned today, are the most scared and vulnerable, never been involved in any act of terrorism in the United States.

The whole air is heavily charged with fears of our unprincipled leaders: desire of being secured that kills democracy. I love Los Angeles for people, who treat each others with respect, despite their race, color of their skin or ideological commitment.

Dear me;It’s that time of the year I should confess by far I can’t write, I don’t really feel like talking to anyone these days I don’t trust my passport anymore. Wish you could tell me what’s happening to me? It’s 9; 51 I’m in the his room still writing my thesis, struggling not to think about my deadlines it’s a quiet room I can’t write in my own room anymore. I’m transforming in to something icy I guess. I was just imagining how Liberia and Siberia sounds poetic as one they both speak together. If I could talk to her in Korean I would have told her life is too short drink some wine tonight then smile to the world that’s what I’ve been told and it worked for me. Could you please tell her for me? He picks up the envelope; he looks in to my eyes,I believe he is talking to me I’m trying to pick up his voice, sounds soft and low I’ve already missed half of the conversation, as always, when I catch him I hear; where is the destination of this letter I take a deep breath trying to pretend I’m calm though anyone could see the pink flame in my eyes by now, I say “No destination”, No destination is quite a destination he continues, they have asked for two quite different types & it’s been days I’m wondering why. Is United States a different country? he picks the envelope instantly, continues what is the difference? I hate to say that he reminds me of my childhood; “God created critical thinking so that I could travel to my childhood” Then I come back to my writing how I wish I were in New York tonight for all is crazy in there. My mind is still in the crit room, my phone never ring again.

Attention, Attention the sign hearing declares danger or red status meaning that the air strike will be done! Leave your office and go to the shelter!

اُزیریس ایزد جهان زیرزمینی و زندگی پس از مرگ در اساطیر مصر باستان بود. او فرزند گب (زمین) و نوت (آسمان) بود. با خواهرش ایزیس ازدواج کرد و صاحب حوروس شد. برادرش ست (شب) او را کشت. اما زنده شد و خدای اموات گشت. ارواح قبل از اینکه بتوانند در جهان دیگر زندگی کنند، باید از برابر ازیریس بگذرند و تنها او بود که می‌توانست جاودانگی ببخشد

 Known here as the “bible” of theatre.

دی ماه، نخستین روز آن خرم روز است و این روز و ماه هر دو به نام خداوند است که [هرمز] نامیده می‌شود، یعنی حکیم و دارای رای و آفریدگار. در این روز عادت ایرانیان چنین بوده که پادشاه از تخت شاهی پایین می‌آمد و جامه‌ای سفید می‌پوشید و در بیابان بر فرش‌های سپید می‌نشست و دربان و یساولان را که شکوه پادشاه با آن هاست به کنار می‌راند و هر کس که می‌خواست پادشاه را ببیند، خواه دارا و خواه نادار بدون هیچ گونه نگهبان و پاسبان، نزد شاه می‌رفت و با او به گفتگو می‌پرداخت و در این روز پادشاه با برزگران می‌نشست و در یک سفره با آن‌ها خوراک می‌خورد و می‌گفت: من مانند یکی از شماها هستم و با شماها برادرم، زیرا استواری و پایداری جهان به کارهایی است که به دست شما انجام می‌شود و امنیت کشور نیز با من است، نه پادشاه را از مردم گریزی است و نه مردم را از پادشاه

 

It’s the girl of all the winds
who falls in to pieces, 
from a roof top to another
in her red-stockings.

marsh land of her tears 

are the passage of spring

upon the heavyness of her eye lids

It’s the girl of all the winds,

at this moment in time

herself,hers only saint guardian.

selfish of her own pain

at the mistaken place,

perhaps  

I woke up that morning, I knew that the summer has arrived. Crawling in my bed I also knew that this Summer I could not get back to Tehran. Struggling not to think about it too much to be able to survive my first summer in Los Angeles. It’s been 10 years now that I’ve been socializing with my best friends in Tehran through the lens of my and my [face timing] on my iPhone. The lunacy started so recently while me and my friends have started making love to each other in between of those screens, seems we were all prisoners of our 5.4 to 2.6 inches. Among all I was the most angry, the most deranged, full of hatred for the term migration. Asking myself constantly through my nightlong and my day time what is the reality of all those virtual communications? What am I doing to my own psyche? The next day when I woke up quickly and unexpectedly I removed all those applications on my iPhone jumped in to my car and drove for 45 minutes [that’s how long I usually drive to get to my studio at Otis.] I could feel my wet eyes by now. Trying to be brutal to those eyes and to stay concentrated on the road in front. I was so panicked for the amount of silence been invited to my life all at once by myself.

[45 minutes later]

I discovered myself in my studio with my iPhone almost dead

I was so confused mentally, not able to position my psyche in her previous state anymore, A very radical decision been made by me and now I had no way out except for letting the fear out by bringing it in to life on the surface of my paper. Then started to draw my psyche on my paper. For the first time in my life I had this expression of a prisoner who had been released from her jail. I could not control myself not painting. My world instantly got rotated and my addiction to Tehran was alternated within my new paintings. Now everyday at the moment Tehran’s Addiction was coming up in to my psyche instead of contributing myself in to my iPhone I was becoming an asylum to my papers and my brushes. I continued this practice every day for almost 3 months. I painted all my fears in my plain loneliness only talking to myself constantly striving to create a visual vocabulary where I could travel to Tehran with. Drawing my self-imagination at the point where induces so many images. The silence I’ve never experienced before.

During the summer I’ve created over 200s of images and been invited To 4 group exhibitions in Los Angeles. In-between I found that chance to collaborate with my Creative team “Green Circle” as a being a curator of the spectacular project. Today I’m really surprised on how one could divorce one certain predefined lifestyle and how to visualize and create her own vocabulary. Even now I’m so scared while writing my story in English as it’s my second language.

Since me and my friends are not face timing anymore we have posted more than 1000 of images on our Instagram during the summer.